Reflections from the hardest year
Reflections from the hardest year
March 13, 2020, one year ago today was the last normal day for me, both professionally and personally. On March 14, NC's governor closed all schools. BCS announced that Monday and Tuesday would be work days and Wednesday would be our first virtual learning day. I have never been as busy in the library as I was those two work days. We had hordes of teachers in the library, working through issues, some learning the basics of Google Classroom and Canvas from their coworkers who had been using them, and asking all the questions.
I'm so grateful that I had childcare for those days. But that changed the next week.
I spent spring 2020 working at home and trying to balance being a parent and a librarian in the same space. I could have murdered my partner and am grateful every day that he began rebounding from a depressed phase in April so that I didn't have to.
The boys watched way too much TV and I made way too many cookies (and gained 20 pounds while I was at it). I tried to keep exercising but had no motivation. I barely got dressed. I was in survival mode and I wasn't a very good parent or librarian. It was impossible to do either one well without completely giving up on the other one. If the situation taught us anything, it's that free public education exists as a social structure so that parents can work and keep the economy afloat.
I discovered that I think capitalism is ridiculous and that we should really find ways to get at least a little bit of socialism into what we're doing.
Summer was better, and I spent it doing next to nothing. I listened to audiobooks and put on my swimsuit and went outside to play in the water with the boys. I was able to get some of the weight back off, and the simple ability to go outside did wonders for my mental health. But it was really that I was able to just be one thing at a time, a parent, that made the difference. I missed traveling, but I felt better.
We saved a lot of money. We isolated and were able to take the boys to their grandparents' for a few days in July.
When school started back up virtually, I was hopeful that it would be better because we had a new childcare arrangement, one that would only shutdown if there were Covid cases. One of the boys had other ideas and could not (and still hasn't) mentally figured out how to use the toilet for poop. He would make it a few weeks and then have to stay out for the rest of the month. Jason was already working from home, so the little would just stay with him. I'm grateful that's the case, but it's really hard.
School wasn't really any better but at least I was able to be a librarian in my library and a parent at home. I took some personal days so we could all go to the beach with my parents. We were worried about bringing the disease to them, but we did it anyway. It was magical. We came home and went on hikes and pretended we weren't dreading what was coming.
And then it was winter all of a sudden. And it was terrible. I hate being cold. I hate going outside and being cold. But what the heck else were we going to do? We'd been at our house for an eternity. Jason and I had planned to leave the boys with my parents over our winter break and go somewhere far away because he'd managed to get a full two weeks off at the same time as me. We obviously couldn't do that anymore. My therapist told me to go to the beach again, but I couldn't make it work. I bought an exercise bike, probably the most expensive thing I've ever paid for outright, instead. We saved more money. I got big ideas about all the changes that need to happen to our house and giant backyard. I did like two of them.
Now here we are, on the cusp of spring again, with vaccines fairly available to those who would like to get one. The day I drove to TN for my first dose was cold and clear, and I enjoyed it SO MUCH.
This last year has been so hard, but a few really good things have happened. And I learned a lot about myself.